Ant & Ade

The Official Furniture Store of Ant & Ade

2009-05-11T12:31:00.001-04:00

...and why weren't we invited to be in this commercial?

I'm just saying, is all...

2009-04-27T11:11:00.002-04:00

Revelation 6:7 And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. 8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

Road Trip to the Championship Part 1

2009-04-09T13:10:00.004-04:00

I think the fact that it is now three days since our boys won the National Championship and Ade and I haven't even gotten on the blog to gloat, shows how incredibly tired we are from our Road Trip to Chapel Hill to watch our boys DOMINATE! in the Dean Dome.

That's right, faithful readers. Ant drove 4.5 hours to pick up Ade and we drove another 5 hours to Chapel Hill to watch the game on a huge screen, with 10,000 of our closest friends in the mecca of college basketball--The Dean Dome, The House that Dean Built.

Jealous much?

You should be! It was one of the most incredible, exciting, thrilling, worthwhile experiences of our lives!...And tiring. Did I mention tiring?

So the witty banter, the awesome pictures and the hilarious blooper reel will have to wait. Two Tarheels need a nap.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels are the 2009 NCAA Men's Basketball National Champions...Handle It!

And Then There Were Two...

2009-04-05T12:20:00.003-04:00

Ant and Ade are hitting the road to Chapel Hill to watch the boys "at home". Party on Franklin St.? 36 hours and counting...

I'm going to marry Coach Roy. Or someone like him.

2009-03-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

Typical Dook.

2009-03-18T22:16:00.002-04:00

Handle it, Coach K!

Read It and Weep, Haters!

2009-03-18T14:01:00.001-04:00

I didn't even have to judge you this week...Our president did!

Did you see his pick for National Champions? That's Right! The Boys in Carolina Blue!

Handle it, Haters! That's an Executive order.

The Truth: Tourney Style.

2009-03-18T12:38:00.007-04:00

So, I'm not judging anyone today. Instead, I'm going to lay out the plain and simple facts. Draw your own conclusions.

Fact 1: Use of light blue at the amazing and illustrious University of North Carolina dates to 1795, when the Dialectic Society first thought it was pretty snazzy and gorgeous.

Fact 2: Both white (also in use ca. 1795 by the Philanthropic Society) and blue were adopted by UNC football team in the 1880s.

Fact 3: The first recorded use of "baby blue" in the English language was 1892, according to wikipedia. Anyone who continues to think "baby blue", "sea blue" or any other nonsense is the appropriate term for "Carolina Blue" needs to reread facts 1 and 2. This includes you, Pittsburgh Penguins.

Handle it!

Yeah, We're Judging You! Tournament Style Vol. 13

2009-03-15T18:36:00.003-04:00

Alright, Committee. Prepare to Handle It!

I was fine with us not making it to the ACC Final. Who wants to play Dook any more than necessary? Give the boys a rest.

But, someone needs to be judged and I choose the selection committee.

Excuse me! Number 3 overall?!? Louisville number 1?!? Ever heard of "entire body of work"? Playa Haters!

Who Knew...

2009-03-12T10:58:00.001-04:00

You could get 3 years in prison for throwing shoes at the president?...Good to know.

P.S. Would he have only gotten 1 1/2 years if he had only thrown one shoe?

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 12

2009-03-10T20:38:00.009-04:00

Ade's POV: It has come to my attention that there is not only a serious economic crisis but a fashion crisis as well. Apparently, many people have confused a downturn in the economy with a serious need to save on the amount of fabric they use in their clothing. Don't be fooled, America! You don't have to compromise modesty simply because you're broke. (By the way, if you're looking to make a few bucks, invest in Ramen noodles. I hear their stock has gone up. Pun intended!) But what exactly am I referring to? People are now confusing shirts with dresses and apparently think leggings are an acceptable substitute for pants. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you have to ask yourself if what you're about to put on (or not put on) may get you arrested for indecent exposure then put it down. Or just add pants. Real pants. No one wants to see your tush! Seriously! I don't care if you have the body of Heidi Klum, it's never appropriate to wear leggings without something covering your rear end. At the very least, do the world a favor and tie a sweater around your waist. (Although, the good taste of wearing leggings at all is highly questionable.) So to sum it all up, here's my PSA: WEAR PANTS!

Ant's POV: I don't feel compelled to agree with Ade on everything. Just because we're 7 year BFFs doesn't mean we have to think alike...

But we often do. Today is no different. Put some pants on! And, while we're at it, follow the general rule: When in doubt, don't.

If you need to ask yourself, "is this a shirt or a dress", I say the answer is: It's a garment that requires you to wear pants. If you need to ask, "are these shorts or underwear", I say: No shorts that could possibly be mistaken for underwear should be worn in public. Bonus: White sweat pants are never okay; I don't care what you ask yourself (Heidi Klum included). Ade may be the resident fashionista but I will point and laugh heartily if I ever see any of you wearing white sweat pants. But, free-standing leggings, shirt-dresses and short-cheekage are no laughing matter. Be judged, you tacky fool!

Oops!

2009-03-10T16:28:00.003-04:00

Now...this has nothing to do with March Madness but I just discovered a 4 year old error.

I have had several people tell me that they "friended" me on Facebook but I never received a request. I just thought all of my friends were big fat liars but, it turns out, that I just have big fat memory loss.

Over four years ago, I created a Facebook account to stalk an ex-boyfriend. As with most activities in my life, that was exciting for about three days. So, I deactivated the account. Or so I thought. An account is never deleted from Facebook even if it's deactivated. You'll still find my non-existent account and, unknowingly, ask me to be your friend.

In conclusion: To those of you who thought we were friends, we're not. And, to those of you who thought I was rude (because you asked to be my friend and I didn't reply), I'm not. But, if you want to be "friends", you have to look me up by "Annie" and my last name.

Aye, there's the rub! There are two Annie __(insert last name)__! So, choose wisely. If you select the correct Annie, ask me to be your friend and I still don't respond...then, I'm just not that into you.

The Madness Begins!

2009-03-09T22:59:00.003-04:00

Whoo Hoo! Welcome, faithful readers, to the March Madness edition of Ant & Ade. We love Carolina so much and we are so excited for Tyler Hansbrough to bring home a National Championship that we can't stifle our devotion any longer. Hence, all the wonderful changes to our wonderful blog. We hope that you all are as amped as the rest of us (meaning yours truly and her best friend) to bring home the glory this year! Let the love fest begin! GO HEELS!

BE YE WARNED!

2009-03-08T13:14:00.002-04:00

Dook University, PREPARE TO BE JUDGED!

I love this man!

2009-03-04T10:06:00.001-05:00

@ Yahoo! Video

Yeah We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 11

2009-02-24T13:17:00.004-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. I am so very, very, very disappointed. My heart is broken to the point where I feel I have no choice but to bring out the "Wagging Finger of Shame" and wave it in the face of the University of North Carolina men's basketball team. How could you, Tar Heels?! How could you play so poorly and lose to such a disgusting team as Maryland?! You have shamed us all, but no one more than yourselves. Never, ever, ever, ever do something so embarrassing again. I will never stop loving you, but neither will I stand by and condone such behavior. Pull it together and bring home the championship! You've been judged, boys in blue. Handle it!

Blog Family, Can You Do Me a Favor?

2009-02-15T22:26:00.002-05:00

If you see this man...

Can you please bring him to my doorstep?...Dressed in a tux and ready for holy matrimony.

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 10

2009-02-13T13:49:00.005-05:00

Today, I am passing sweet, sweet judgment on Duke.

Why?

Because we're your daddy now, Punks!

UNC 101
Dook 87

We own you! Handle It!

(Man, I wish I was in Carolina right now so I could taunt Dookies and get a copy of their student newspaper with a sweet Carolina Blue headline. I could've rushed Franklin St to watch Freshmen fall into the fire pit and see Superman climb a tree and dangle from the street light, shooting toilet paper "webs" at the crowd...Somebody cue my James Taylor music..."In my mind, I'm gone to Carolina"...somethin' 'bout some moonshine...dogs biting and good friends...'Cause I'm gone to Carolina in my mind!")

Go Heels!

2009-02-11T11:58:00.003-05:00

We've got nothin' but love for our boys in blue tonight!

I'd like to think our new President would approve.

2009-02-04T20:53:00.001-05:00

Yeah, (I'm) Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 9

2009-02-04T19:15:00.006-05:00

I tried to withhold it, but I was provoked...

Steeler Nation, I'm judging you! Yeah, I said it! I'm judging Steelers fans.

I HATE the Steelers! Yeah, I said that too!

I hate the Squealers based, largely, on principle. Cowboys vs. Squealers, a little inter-conference rivalry. Nothing personal. But the other reason I hate the Squealers is because of their fans. I have lived in Virginia (near DC., otherwise known as Redskin Country), Jacksonville, FL and Carolina. I have visited Seattle twice during football season. But no fans are worse than "Steeler Nation" (otherwise known as "A Nation of Whiners"). If you thought Pittsburgh was "Mine Country", you were off a few letters. Pittsburgh is "Whine Country". Never in my life have I heard so many adults' voices hit such an annoying decibel.

(In the most annoying, whiny voice possible) "But the Steelers are a great team...blah blah blah...Steel Curtain...blah blah blah...We work as a team...blah blah blah...Rooney...blah blah blah"

Aww, Shut up! (And throw some bass in your voice!) Not only do they whine, but they ask the most inane questions, like, "How come you live here if you're not a Steelers' fan?"

Show of hands: How many grown adults choose where to live based on a sports team?

Anyone? Beuler? No one! If I'm both a Tar Heel and a Cowboy, where do I live? Half the distance between them? Winters in Dallas; summers in Chapel Hill? I also cheered for Michael Phelps during the Olympics, should I move to Maryland or will it suffice that I live in America? Oh, and I voted for Obama. Do I move to Chicago or the basement of the White House? See, it just doesn't make sense. "Honey, we can't really afford to live in New York but I really want to be a Giants fan." Ridiculous! The only reason why people here are Steelers fans is because they were born here. I chose to be a Cowboys fan. Your sports team was chosen for you by a cosmic accident or insufficient family planning.

Doctor: "Congratulations! It's a boy. And now he's a Steelers' fan."

Some of you may say, "Ant, you're just a hater."
1) Duh! That's what I said. I hate the Steelers.
2) What makes you think I care what you think of me? You are a Steelers' fan; I clearly don't trust your judgment.
3) Please stop whining in my ear.

Big deal, Squealers! Someone doesn't like your football team. Why don't you whine about it?...Oh wait, you already do!

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 8

2009-02-04T17:54:00.009-05:00

Ade's POV: Ant and I have been passing around a lot of judgment this week, and we still have more to give. Today I am judging the inventor (and the purchasers of) the Snuggie. For those of you who have been living under a rock the past couple of months, please click here to watch an informative infomercial about the "blanket with sleeves". Aside from making you look like you've been hanging out at your local coven, the Snuggie may be the stupidest idea ever. I hate to break it you, faithful readers, it's not actually a "blanket with sleeves." It's a robe you put on backwards!! And since when has it been such an enormous problem to answer the phone while covered in a blanket? Seriously, if it's that much of a problem just save yourself some money and put on an extra sweater or, better yet, your bath robe backwards for that authentic "Snuggie" feeling. However, the last nail in the Snuggie coffin is placed by Ant herself. She is the self-proclaimed "Queen of Infomercials." With the exception of male enhancement products and the Snuggie, she'll buy pretty much anything. If she thinks the Snuggie is stupid then it's stupid. You've been judged, Snuggie! Handle it!

Ant's POV: I think Snuggies are awesome!...If today were "Opposite Day" and by "awesome" we meant "Craptastic". The worst thing about the Snuggie is that I didn't think of it. Are people really shelling out 20 bucks for a long sweater? You know, I used to own a Snuggie; but, back then, we called it a Sweater Dress and we wore it with stretch pants. Next thing you know, Guthy Renker will be marketing footie-pajamas as the "Bottom Snuggie". My favorite part about the infomercial is that they make the most simple tasks seem so arduous. Surely, your lack of Snuggie is the reason for all your problems.

I have yet to take my arm from under a blanket, only for it to freeze to death and fall off.

Oh, Snuggie! How did we ever live without you? (Coats, Sweaters, Long sleeve t-shirts, space heaters, central heating, blankets...)

2009-02-04T17:54:00.001-05:00

Pittsburgh Passion

2009-02-04T16:57:00.003-05:00

I hope Pittsburgh is ready for another football Championship...

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol 7.

2009-02-02T20:56:00.003-05:00

Ant's POV: I apologize, America. I almost forgot to judge someone...almost.

I am judging the inventor of the Prevent Defense. I know, I know. I go on about this every other Sunday. So, I will spare you the rant but the inventor of the Prevent-D (and the coaches who use it) will not be spared my wrath.

Prevent Defense users and abusers, nothing will prevent you from being judged. Handle it!

Ade's POV: I have no idea what Prevent-D is, except that it is something football related.
However, because I think Ant is an exceptionally qualified judger I'll trust her on this and second her judgment. Handle it!

Speaking of the Jesus Frowny Face...

2009-02-02T16:47:00.004-05:00

Now, I've only known Jesus for 18 years and I've never found this to be true of Him; but, I still think it's funny that someone takes football (and the Steelers) that seriously.

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol 6.

2009-02-02T15:13:00.006-05:00

Ade's POV: Today I'm judging Austria. That's right, I'm judging an entire country. Apparently, the Austrian justice system is a big joke and completely nonfunctional. Why do I say this? Read this. Umm...excuse me?!! They might not be able to convict him of slavery?! I might be the only person who's totally confused by this, but if you imprison your daughter in your basement for twenty-four years against her will why can't you call that slavery? What exactly does it mean to enslave someone in Austria, and why do "charges of abuse, incest, rape and false imprisonment carry maximum sentences of 10 years"? What is going on over there? This is what happens in places where everyone refuses to "judge" others. Well, never fear! Ant and I are trying to stem the tide. You've been judged, Austria! Handle it!

Ant's POV: As usual, I agree with Ade and I add my own heaping judgment upon Austria. And, I'm hitting Austria with the "Wagging Shame Finger" and the "Jesus Frowny Face". Austria, you should feel so bad about yourself right now.

2009-02-01T23:25:00.003-05:00

BOO STEELERS!!!

I still think Reggie did a great job. Proud of you, Reg!

Oh well...Bring on the March Madness!

2009-02-01T16:38:00.008-05:00

GO CARDINALS!!!

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 5

2009-01-23T11:19:00.003-05:00

If this isn't proof, I don't know what is:
Carolina's ACC record prior to my judgement: 0-2
Carolina's ACC record after my judgement: 3-0

America, my judgement works! Therefore, I'm flexing my newly strengthened judging muscle on Women Who Date Unavailable Men.

From morning radio talk shows to book reviews to the release of the movie "He's Just Not That Into You", I am being overwhelmed with examples of women who are chasing men who are not available to be chased. I could go all day on this one but I will leave it at two very simple principles:

Married=Unavailable

Gay=Unavailable

You would think this would be common sense but sometimes "sense" isn't as common as you think it is. Ladies, he ain't yo' man! Handle it!

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 4

2009-01-14T17:31:00.002-05:00

If I were a parent, this would be the point where I would say, "This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."

Carolina Men's Basketball Team, I'm judging you! (And I'm telling your father when he gets home).

Fellas, you're playing like you have no heart...or like NC State. It's unacceptable. I can't even look at you right now. If you keep up this madness, you'll be in serious trouble, or worse, in the NIT. Is that what you want, Carolina? Do you want to be the Belles of the NIT Ball? No? Then pull it together!

I am schooled in the ways of league-regulation tackling; don't make me give you something to cry about. So, UNC BBall team, consider yourselves judged. Now, go to your room and you think about what I just said!

Does Anybody Know If I Secretly Do Drugs?

2009-01-12T13:42:00.003-05:00

Did I just huff glue or is the universe spinning out of control?

Carolina has lost 2 basketball games? Someone is about to earn some serious judgment...

Look Out Terry Tate! Someone Else Is Bringing the Pain.

2009-01-12T13:28:00.005-05:00

Since I discovered that Chuck Norris and I study the same martial art form, I've been sans an arch nemesis. It just didn't seem right to have a "Brother of the Belt" as an enemy. Chuck and I should really consider joining forces.

But I have aligned with another group and I'm looking for new rivals.

I am now a member of the women's football team in Pittsburgh. Excuse me. The National Champion women's football team in Pittsburgh. Is this my atonement for the sins (and horrific play) of my beloved Dallas Cowboys? Perhaps. Redemption? Yes. A legal opportunity to physically crush people. Definitely!

So stay tuned for more updates; this could get interesting...and painful.

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 3

2009-01-05T13:37:00.002-05:00

It has come to my attention that people in South Carolina are partaking in blasphemy. So, South Carolinians, consider yourselves judged!

Are South Carolinians taking the Lord’s name in vain? Ascribing acts of God to the devil or magic? Perhaps some of them, but that’s not who we’re judging today (they’ll be judged for that later…by a much higher authority). Today, we’re judging errant sports fans and the supposedly college educated South Carolinians who refer to their college and corresponding athletic teams as “Carolina”.

“Carolina”? Excuse me?!? There is only one Carolina and the only thing it is south of is Virginia. We are the oldest public university in the country…We are Carolina.

So pump your brakes, Gamecocks! And step off our moniker.

Bonus Judgment: You shouldn’t refer to yourselves as USC either. Nobody thinks of the University of South Carolina when they hear USC. I don’t know if the Trojans were first but they certainly do it better. My recommendation is to put your school name in the Nickname Generator I found a few weeks ago and see what comes out. In fact, I took the liberty of doing it for you:
From now on, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks can be referred to as:
1) The Terry Tough Guys
2) The Mr. Pythons
3) The Hammerhead Hanks
4) The Bad Monkeys
5) The Dust Drivers
I’m a fan of the Terry Tough Guys, myself. So, take a school vote and get back to us. But cease this “Carolina” madness immediately. South Carolina, you’ve been judged!...and warned!

Celebrating the New Year...Ebony and Ivory Style

2009-01-04T17:11:00.011-05:00

What do Best Friends do to celebrate the New Year?

They put on make-up!...Err...they put their make-up on each other!

Before: After:

And they put on each other's clothes...and hair.

We are...Sasha Fierce!

Aren't we silly?

For more pics from our New Year's Ebony & Ivory Celebration, check out our slideshow.

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. 2

2008-12-29T10:52:00.002-05:00

Today, I'm judging people who can't handle Christmas. I know it's over, so perhaps it's a day late and a dollar short, but I feel it's incumbent upon me to prepare you all for how to properly handle Christmas next year (since this year didn't go too well.)
Here's what I mean: Christmas is a religious holiday in the Christian faith that celebrates the birth of....wait for it...Jesus Christ! This, apparently, is a surprise to some of you. For instance, while watching a morning news show Christmas Day, a woman was stressing the importance of being spiritual on Christmas because it was a spiritual day. I guess saying the name of Jesus was too scary because it seemed too judgmental and exclusive for her. Well, luckily for the rest of us, I'm not afraid to be judgmental or exclusive. So I will say what she couldn't. Christmas is about Jesus. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! If you have problems with Jesus and celebrating Him then you shouldn't celebrate Christmas either. Now, handle it.

Yeah, We're Judging You! Handle It! Vol. I

2008-12-21T11:03:00.004-05:00

This week, I'm judging "Non-Judgers".

America, you've been hiding behind this word "judgement" for too long and I'm calling you on it. It seems as though you can't have a dissenting opinion without someone shouting at you, "Don't judge me!" And the expectation is that once someone is rebuked for "judging", that person should immediately fall silent, hang their head in shame and make internal vows never to judge again.

As someone who works with the incarcerated, I take the term "judgement" literally. I am not a sworn-in figure handing down edicts. But, as a regular citizen, I do have opinions...preferences, points-of-view, dislikes, tastes, criticisms, leanings and a constitutional right to say whatever I want. You won't shame me into not being ashamed of you just because you say I'm "judging". What people really mean is, "I won't talk about your junk if you don't talk about mine". Well, I'm a self-appointed member of the Junk Patrol. Here are my responses to common "judgement" accusations:

American: "Don't judge me!"
Me: "Why not?"

American: "Who are you to judge?"
Me: "Annie"

American: "What gives you the power to judge someone else?"
Me: "The power of air through a larynx."

So, Non-Judgers, I'm judging you. Handle it!

Be Ye Judged!...One Week At A Time

2008-12-21T10:50:00.004-05:00

So you wanna play "hardball", do you, Disobedient Readers?

Well, if you thought not sending in responses to our Ask Ant and Ade segment would keep us from giving you the wisdom, good sense and well placed roundhouse kicks we know you need...you just don't know us at all. (Unfortunate you.)

Instead of correcting Dear Abby's misguided advice, Ant and Ade is instituting a new segment: "Yeah, We're Judging You. Handle It!" My rant against Bratz Dolls is only the beginning. From now on, America, we're calling you out whether you like it or not.

No more hiding in the proverbial back row; we see you and we're judging you. Handle it!

It's Ra-Ra Carolina-lina!

2008-12-19T12:24:00.003-05:00

Last night Tyler Hansbrough broke Phil Ford's all-time scoring record to become the top scorer EVER in the history of UNC. You make me proud to be a Tar Heel, Tyler!!!

P.S. We're #1!!!

Yeah, I'm Judging You! Handle It!

2008-12-17T19:00:00.005-05:00

I have added something else to my ever-growing list of things I hate about Christmas:

Bratz Dolls!

Or, as I like to call them, Fun-Size Sluts. If you give your child a Bratz Doll for Christmas, may I suggest you include a coupon for a Free Prostitute Lesson.

America, I'm putting you on notice for a well-placed kick to the groin! Do not use my Jesus's birthday as an occasion to turn your daughter into a Prosti-Tot.

2008-12-17T18:56:00.001-05:00

Watch this video

...Amen!

Common Knowledge

2008-12-13T12:24:00.005-05:00

Ant's POV: I thought it was common knowledge that any shade of light/pale blue was called "Carolina Blue". Which is why I was surprised when a coworker jumped on me for expressing my confusion over Carolina Blue Pittsburgh Penguins paraphernalia (which is typically black and gold). She said, "It's their winter jerseys and, to the rest of the world, it's called 'baby blue'."

In what world? That's a pretty stupid world!

So, to those of you in this "world" who did not get the 300 year old memo: Any shade of light blue is called Carolina Blue and any shade of dark blue is called Dukie Blue.

Which brings me to my next point: Happy College Basketball Season! We're #1!

Ade's POV: This is why I love this woman. She always gets it right. We're #1!

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be...Ferry Forston

2008-12-10T17:29:00.005-05:00

The other day, while surfing the net, I stumbled across a link to a website that "generates nicknames".

I was ready to file this discovery under one of my "Rage Against the Machine" posts. I mean, who needs help generating nicknames? Take your real name and shorten it. Call yourself by an attribute such as "Shorty", "Fatty" or, in my case, "The Peanut Butter Princess". But this nickname generator is different. It takes random words from the dictionary and pastes them together to create...a nickname? They must define that word loosely. And, the best part is that it assigns you nicknames by categories. Here are a few that the nickname generator gave me:

For "Pop Star" nicknames, it gave me the following: Julie Lavigne, Jessica Minogue, Anne Simpson, Kylie Knowles and Briella Branch. Basically, take a random first name and combine it with the last name of an already-famous pop star.

Now, for my "Kung Fu" name, the "generator" gave me Cathy Cornerstone. What about "Cathy Cornerstone" says "Kung Fu" to you?

For those of you who know Ant, you know how I love pirates. Especially pirate jokes. So, you could imagine I was pretty excited when I saw that the "generator" gave out pirate nicknames. Unfortunately, it gave me Cap'n Jessica Jigsaw. Excuse me! "Jessica"? What is pirate-esque about "Jessica"? And "Jigsaw"? It's puzzling to me how "Jigsaw" is a pirate name.

Then, I looked up my "Rapper" nicknames. Nuffing, Fanning and Ferry Forston. First of all, you would have no street cred if your rap name was "Fanning". Does anyone think of sweet, little Dakota as gangsta? "Nuffing" is a better attempt but still falls far short of a credible rap nickname. "Ferry Forston"? (Shaking head disapprovingly). I can assure you that no one named "Ferry Forston" is heavily entrenched in the HipHop community.

However, by far, my favorite nicknames are my "Superhero" nicknames. Again, the genius of the "generator": Hydro Fist, Prancing Buffalo, Wounded Hamster, Dates Cattle, Barking Chicken, Lives In Own Little World, Runs Like A Girl, Tastes Like Chicken, Face Only A Mother Could Love, Bladder Like Walnut and Shake Well Before Opening.

LOL! A superhero by any of these "names" (if you would call some of them that) would be far from awe inspiring. What about a "Prancing Buffalo" says, "Hooray! The day is saved!"? "Wounded Hamster"? Your superhero showed up hurt? "Dates Cattle"? Is this an attribute? At least I'm a lady about it...I guess...since I'm just dating the cattle. I suppose I should be grateful that it doesn't say "Fornicates Cattle". "Barking Chicken"? It would be startling to criminals to be confronted by a barking chicken but I doubt it would ultimately be a deterrent from crime. Then there's "Tastes Like Chicken". What kind of superpower is that? "Stop, Criminals! I'm succulent and my meat practically falls off the bone!" "Bladder Like a Walnut"? That's just hilarious! But my favorite is "Shake Well Before Opening". Opening what? A carbonated soda? A can of whoop-ass?

Try the generator and let me know what kind of nicknames you get,
Ant the Amazing

My very own Cake Wreck

2008-12-09T08:47:00.007-05:00

I have to admit that I am truly frustrated right now. I am frustrated by the fact that (and this may seem shallow to some, but I don't care, handle it) the men I have great chemistry with never seem to be Christian. I mean, it's the equivalent of someone handing you a giant piece of chocolate chip cake (my favorite) at your birthday party only to say "Don't eat that. I spit on it." Ugh. How disappointing/disgusting. It may look good, but you have no choice but to throw that out. Additionally, I am also frustrated by the fact that no matter how wonderful and Jesus-loving someone may be, sometimes I just can't whip up a (physical) attraction for them. To me, that's like giving me carrot cake at my birthday party. "Sorry I spit on your favorite cake, Ade. Here's some carrot cake instead. Yum! A cake based on vegetables!" I'm sorry, no matter how many times I try carrot cake, I will never like carrot cake. (Side note: A cake with vegetables??!! Seriously, people! Why does anyone like that stuff?) Is anyone feeling me on this, or is this just my own personal frustration?

BTW: This is a fun site. www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com

Bah Humbug!

2008-12-04T17:14:00.003-05:00

Yes. I am one of "those people" who hates Christmas because I detest that it has become so much about materialism and consumerism. I am sore that this time of year has become the "One Upmanship Superbowl", in which neighbors try to out-do each other's tacky lawn displays, poor families forego necessities (such as heat, lights, groceries, etc) in order to buy Junior an X-Box so he doesn't feel "left out" and divorced parents compete for their children's love in dollar signs.

Excuse me for thinking CHRISTmas should be about Christ. As if birthdays were supposed to be about celebrating someone's birth.

No wait...that's exactly what we do on someone's birthday. So why has CHRISTmas become a three month long holiday during which we turn our local Wal~Marts into bloody war zones and our mall parking lots into scenes from Survivor?

May I have a Christmas immunity idol, please?

You know what else I hate? Christmas weddings and proposals. Along with the ring, you should slip her a note that says, "I wouldn't remember our anniversary otherwise. Also, I do not want to be financially responsible for more than 1 expensive gift a year. Before you say 'yes', deeply consider that I am cheap, forgetful and thoughtless."

You know what I hate more than Christmas proposals? Christmas music. Each store is given only a 30minute track so, if you want to look in more than one aisle, you are subjected to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" for the seventh time. Christmas music is a sham!

Here are my rewrites of popular holiday tunes that reflect the "real" Christmas spirit:
1) Hark! The herald angels sing: "Hey, you ******* ************! Get the **** out of my way! That's my *** **** Tickle Me Elmo!
2) Jingle Bells. Jingle Bells. It's those damn, bell-ringing Salvation Army people again. How dare they ask me for money for the poor, or something, when they know my Becky needs a new PSP. This year's model has smaller buttons and comes in purple.
3) Dashing through the snow. In my gas-guzzling Chevrolet. Through red lights we go. Growling all the way.
4) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Fights in every aisle. But the bloodiest sight you'll see, is in Electronics for TVs. Even grandma's in the pile!

The girl is back!

2008-12-03T09:32:00.005-05:00

Ade's POV: Yesterday was my girl Britney's (that's Britney Spears for the uninformed) 27th B-day and official release of her new album. She and I are exactly 3 months apart, so when she has another B-day I start the official countdown to my own. (Unfortunately, mine is not going to involve an appearance on GMA or pleather outfits.) I can't really explain why I'm so attached to her, but I feel like she and I grew up together. I remember when she came out with "Baby One More Time" while I was in high school and going to her concert in Raleigh as a freshman in college (no shame there). I think this past year, was sort of a comeback year for me too, in some ways. So, here, for your entertainment, is my girl performing "Circus". (P.S. This was really a shameless plug for my B-Day. You all have been warned!)

Ant's POV: Gag me with a wooden, splintered spoon!

Check Me Out

2008-11-29T12:19:00.002-05:00

This week, I am guest blogging over at Big Apple Angie. Check it out!

For My Fellow College Football Fans

2008-11-25T23:29:00.001-05:00

Joe Paterno was released from the hospital today after a SUCCESSFUL HIP REPLACEMENT. You know what that means...Bad news for Mrs. Paterno. Good news if he had a mistress.

The Other Side of the Weekend Update

2008-11-20T18:03:00.004-05:00

Ant's POV: As Ade mentioned earlier, neither of us is having much luck in the marriage department but do not assume that we are sitting around twiddling our thumbs or vetting names for our future, trademark, spinster cats.

I can't speak for Ade but I know I'm having a great time. My time away from work is not spent crying into my pillow about singlehood. I'm learning to speak Chinese. I do Rosetta Stone for three hours a week and I have a tutor that I meet with twice a week. As mentioned before, I'm taking Tang Soo Do (which is a Korean equivalent to Karate) twice, sometimes three times a week (if my thighs can take it). Also, I am taking three dance classes a week: Latin Club dance, a Hip Hop dance class and a Belly Dance class. I'm taking an online course through Duke. (I know, my fellow UNC alum, that this teeters on sacrilege but it's a continuation of my Non-Profit Certification. I'm still TarHeel Bred!) And, now that it's football season, I spend every Sunday and Monday and Thursday nights on a couch next to my grandpa praising fantastic one-handed circus catches and criticizing the Prevent-D (Someone please explain to me why coaches still go to the Prevent. If it worked, wouldn't you use it all game?).

I'm busy, okay! So no pity emails. Just leads on potential hubbies...and some Icy Hot...I'm not sure how much more my thigh muscles can take.

Ade's POV: I could not agree more! I have been living like a flat out rock star for nearly an entire year. The last month has been kind of blah, but when I look back at this year it's been incredible. I started off working my painting mojo inside Tyler Perry's house. (House of Payne maybe the worst show on television, but it paid my bills. ) I won a scholarship to schmooze with the best the Dec Arts community has to offer at the Williamsburg Antiques Forum. I finally finished all my coursework for my Master's degree. (48 credit hours, baby!) I've started my earth-shattering thesis on 20th-century design. I rocked it out in my adopted hometown of Miami for 6 weeks with some of the coolest people on earth (and the best pool ever constructed.) I spent another 6 weeks enjoying in France and Spain. I took in the original home of the Unicorn tapestries, and awesome medieval dungeons at a private castle in the French countryside. I lived, worked and ATE with the most wonderful French family, then I traveled to Paris, Bilboa, Barcelona, San Sebastian and Vienna, Austria to finally return home to DC. I've since started a great job at an art and antiques gallery in Old Town. All in all, life can't get much better! I can't wait to see what's next.

Vast

2008-11-20T13:06:00.001-05:00

Vast

Posted using ShareThis

Reality Check

2008-11-18T12:16:00.008-05:00

Ade's POV: This is an interesting case and, I believe, says a lot about the state of marriage and sexuality in the Western world. The French court ruled that "Virginity 'is not an essential quality in that its absence has no repercussion on matrimonial life." (Yes, you actually have to read the link to follow this post!) This shows a complete lack of understanding about what marriage is. Marriage is sex.
In medieval Europe sex was the equivalent of both marriage and a wedding. There was no need to have a ceremony at the church. The two of you were considered united together for life. However, the "Christian wedding" evolved because we, being fallen people, have a tendency to not keep our word or remain faithful. The church realized there was a need for accountability, hence, the Christian ceremony evolved. (Obviously other cultures had discovered the need for a wedding previously. Of course, often times the wedding was often just another excuse for a business meeting and exchange of goods, but I digress). Somehow we've gotten to the point in both the secular and Christian world where we see the wedding as marriage and the marriage as well...dirty dishes, laundry, and a husband who doesn't want to hear about your day. The whole idea of annulment came about because if a wedding was not consummated, and wasn't going to be, the couple was considered never married.
As a result of changing ideas about sex, it isn't considered special or spiritual, cheating is more common than ever, people live together all the time, and everybody still thinks it's "awesome" and "incredible" that after 10 years of dating and two kids that you're going to plan a big, over-the-top white wedding. I'm not saying God can't redeem our mistakes. He does all the time. However, regardless of what mistakes you have, or haven't made, in your life, I think most of us can agree it's time for an overhaul on our thinking about marriage.

Ant's POV: I don't have much to say on Ade's POV, but my favorite part about the article on cheating is when they say that "advances like better hip replacements" are contributing to higher infidelity rates among older people. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that not the funniest thing you've heard? Now, there's a mental image that will keep you awake at night.

Weekend Update

2008-11-16T21:15:00.006-05:00

Ant and I haven't talked about marriage, or husband hunting, on the blog in a while. Since Ant has approximately once year left until her hoped for nuptials I thought now would a good time for an update from the both of us . Ok, ready, everyone? Here it goes....Nothing. Ant and I have absolutely nothing to report. (Ok, that's not entirely true. Ant has managed to get hit on at a gas station. So props to her.)
Ant and I are amazing. (No, I'm not being sarcastic.) We're smart, fun, super hot, and love Jesus. On top of that, neither of us are leprous or have any other variety of contagious skin diseases. So why do men avoid us like we have them? I wish I knew. However, I place the blame squarely on men. Clearly, when you are as awesome as Ant and I, you can't be held responsible for still being single. On that note, faithful readers, Ant and I have listed our qualifications for a husband on this blog before. So, help us out. Send us names, introduce us to your friends. Tell us what we're doing wrong (good luck with that). I mean, throw us a bone!
Ok, that's all I got. (Isn't it amazing to see that I managed to make a post about nothing this long?) "Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow."

Puppy Love!

2008-11-13T12:42:00.002-05:00

Free live streaming by Ustream

Since I can't be with my dogs all the time, these cuties help me get my necessary fix of puppy goodness!

Givin' the People What They Want

2008-11-12T16:39:00.007-05:00

Once again the masses (and by "masses" I mean 5 people) have spoken by casting their vote in our monthly poll. This month, our readers decided that they wanted to read about ex-boyfriends.

Well, if there is something in particular that you would like to know about ex-boyfriends, just let us know and we would be happy to oblige. Until then, I'll just write what I know. And my specialty is how to know when a current boyfriend needs to become an ex-boyfriend. So here is the wisdom of 14 years of unsuccessful dating. Enjoy!

Your current boyfriend needs to become your ex-boyfriend when...

He brings Glamour shots of his mamma on the first date
He's too caught up in his "Bromance" to pay any attention to you during a date
He refuses to tell you how old he is (Unfortunately, I've been through this twice. Why do I have to go all Nancy Drew on you just to find out how old you are? I don't mind dating older men, I just have a limit. Like, could you and my dad have been in the same Algebra class...because you were teaching it.
After spending a nice Saturday afternoon together at his house, he asks you politely to exit out the back door because his girlfriend is coming over.
Your family members threaten to kill him
Your father threatens to give his father a butt whippin' (Sad...but true.)
He asks you to drive an hour to see him...then asks if he can borrow $20 to fill up his gas tank (Obviously this one didn't happen in the last year, since he only asked for $20 worth of gas)
He tells you he doesn't like Black women (This, of course, is only offensive if you are a Black woman...which I am)
He tells you he's called to be the father of the anti-Christ (Unless you're in to that sort of thing)
He's been dating you for 5 years. He may call this a "trial period" but don't believe it. In what other area of life can you have something for half of a decade then return it to the previous owner/manufacturer/retailer and say, "You know what? I've been 'trying' this thing out for a couple years and I've decided not to purchase it. I'd like my money/time/dignity/the best years of my life back."
He wants to go to Hooters on your first date
He calls you during the Super Bowl (For those that know that story, I'm sorry but that still pisses me off. What American calls someone during the Super Bowl?)
He insists you tell him bedtime stories until he falls asleep
He becomes insanely jealous of your teddy bear because it gets to sleep with you (Handle it, man! Mr. Jingle Bottom has been around a lot longer than you!)
He takes 6 months in between dates to call you ("Wait a minute. Did you think we were still dating?!?")
He suggests that your first date include babysitting his nieces and nephews so that he can see what kind of mother you are
He compares you to his "baby mamma"
He doesn't call on Valentine's day because he wanted to spend that day with his ex. (He said he knew her better.)
He gets arrested on the way to your first date
He just got out of jail after serving a sentence for 2nd degree kidnapping
He goes to prison to serve a life sentence

As you can see, many of these people shouldn't have been my "current boyfriend" in the first place.

Ask Ant & Ade

2008-11-10T17:44:00.008-05:00

The elections set us back a little bit (in terms of answering the world's burning questions, that is), but, not to worry, we haven't forgotten about Ask Ant & Ade. Unfortunately though, we yet again have to answer a question someone has foolishly asked someone else. You can read the original post here . However, since you're faithful readers of this blog you have the good fortune of reading our more awesome responses right here at Ant & Ade. Enjoy!

Dear Carolyn:

My brilliant, beautiful 23-year-old daughter is the middle of three girls and has always been a little kooky in her dress and manner. I don't expect her to be a cookie-cutter version of me or the other girls, but her hygiene habits have been lacking since she was in college. She doesn't smell bad, but she doesn't smell nice, either.

I know this acting out is an expression of being who she is, but she was brought up to know that good hygiene and first impressions count. When she visited, I brought it up once and she put me off immediately, saying things like water dries out your skin and that she doesn't smell. Please tell me how to discuss this rationally with her. I know this will be a problem when she gets a real job or goes on dates.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry. I truly am. I know you've probably done your best to be a good and loving mother. You've tried hard to teach and lead your girls. Now your middle one has decided she's not going to bathe. However, she's a grown woman. Thus, she can do whatever she wants, including not indulge in daily ablutions. (Eww.) If she truly is acting out just to get attention you should tell her that may be one of the most foolish and disgusting attention getting devices ever conceived, and don't feel shy about putting it just that way. Strangers usually aren't any nicer, and they are certainly not motivated to tell her these things because they have her best interest at heart.

However, it's important to consider that maybe she's out of money, or mentally ill. These things should not be ruled out. Ask. Then, hand her a bar of soap. She can get her hug after she's clean.

Dear Anonymous,

I find your question truly disturbing. Mostly, because I get the impression that you somehow feel your daughter's lack of hygiene is your fault. It's not! She's a grown woman. She alone is responsible for the smell and overall condition of her body parts. I suggest you handle this problem "Ant style"--head on, like a well-placed roundhouse kick. Here's a script:

"Becky (or whatever your daughter's name is), you're a grown-ass woman. Speaking of hind parts, wash yours! Funk is not a fashion statement. If you want to "express yourself", get a blog. I don't expect you to be like your sisters; but, I do expect you to behave like a member of a civilized society and wash your tail on a regular basis."

Now, Anonymous, I know it may be difficult to have this discussion with her face-to-face (because I assume she also does not brush her teeth if she won't even bother to clean her privates). So, I have an "Ant Plan B".

Invite her to dinner and when she steps on the front stoop to ring your doorbell, come from around the corner of the house and attack her with a water hose and a bottle of Dove. For more tips like this, please see our posts on "Butt Whippin's"...you're never too old to get one!

Even Mom is gettin' in on the action...

2008-11-08T22:47:00.003-05:00

Even As Men, We're Hot!!!

2008-11-08T18:46:00.013-05:00

K.I.T....Have a Good Summer!...Stay Sweet!

2008-11-07T20:54:00.011-05:00

Class of 2000!

We're so gonna do this...

2008-11-07T00:38:00.001-05:00

Here's Hoping...

2008-11-05T10:45:00.005-05:00

Rarely Speechless

2008-11-05T10:45:00.004-05:00

I wish the words would search me out
to voice the Pride and Overwhelming Emotion
in my Head and in my Heart
But none can find room
to express the sentiments that have crowded them out.
So view brevity as a
Loss of Breath
not as passion has met her death:

I cannot believe I AWOKE in this America
This Morning

A Picture Is A Thousand Words

2008-11-03T16:27:00.003-05:00

HOPE is a picture of thousands of people...

Ask Ant & Ade

2008-10-27T20:30:00.013-04:00

"Ask Ant & Ade" is making it's return! I realize, "faithful" readers, that you thought you could thwart the two of us by refusing to send in any questions. Well, in the spirit of Chuck Norris, we're roundhouse kicking your evil plans into an unrecognizable pulp. So here, for your enjoyment, is the return of "Ask Ant & Ade." (Unfortunately, we have had to "borrow" questions from other advice columnists. Today's query come's from "Perplexed" who wrote to "Ask Amy." Here's our, much improved, response.)

DEAR AMY: I am 30 and have been dating the most wonderful woman for almost a year. Our relationship is easy. We haven't had one serious argument in the 11 months we've known one another, and we both agree that this connection is the best we've ever had. I seriously doubt it can get better between us.
The catch is that we're both fairly introverted, and we don't always ignite the flame in each other.
Now, as our one-year milestone rapidly approaches, she feels pressured (by herself and friends) to answer the "is he the one" question.
Without my even proposing marriage, she's deciding for herself whether to stay in this relationship for good or end it. Is one year really enough time to determine whom you'll be with for the next 50-plus years? Is it worth it to stay in this for another year with the risk of having the same, uncertain feeling at the end of it?
If everything feels so right about this relationship, why is there so much uncertainty about marriage? -- Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Why are you asking this question of anyone but yourself? I have no idea why you would have any uncertainty about marriage. You admit that this is the best connection you've ever had with anyone, and it couldn't get any better. So why not get married? It appears that the only reason you might not want to marry her is because you're both introverts. Which, in all honesty, doesn't make any sense. I didn't realize that being an introvert precluded you from falling in love, making a great connection, or "igniting each others flames" (whatever that means). If you want to be married, then choose her, and choose her now. You're not really gaining anything by waiting longer. I mean, if one year seems arbitrary to you, then what makes two years, or ten years any different? Do you plan on dating for 45 years, so you can be married for 5? You're not guaranteed much in life, including a perfect marriage or finding anyone "better." But, if you're constantly seeking "perfection" and looking for "the next best thing", you are guaranteed to die alone.

Ade

Dear Preplexed,

You're not the only one who's preplexed at the moment.

1) I'm preplexed as to why you equate introversion with flame ignition. As someone who's 6 parts introversion and 5 parts flame fodder, I must say that the two are not mutually exclusive. I can only guess as to what kind of flames you're trying to get going but I can assure you introversion is not your problem.

2) I'm preplexed as to why it has taken her almost a year to get to "The One" question. As soon as a man walks into the restaurant (or, in my case, the gas station), I size him up to see if he has "One" potential. If he has "to' up kicks"; visible underwear; wayward, missing or Skittle colored teeth; nappy hair or smells of Herbal Essence (either the woman's shampoo or marijuana), then he's already off the "One" list. Should he pass, he gets Ant's 13 questions. At this point, after a visual "once over" and an eleven minute conversation, I already know where this thing is going.

3) I'm preplexed as to why you're preplexed that she's "deciding for herself". Ending a relationship is not a two person decision.

Overall, I think a little self-reflection and honesty are in order. Personally, I don't think you want to marry her and you're preplexed as to why you don't if she seems so perfect. P, relationships are a series of decisions made by two people. It's not Astrophysics. What are you waiting for? A fairy to sprinkle magic love dust on you in your sleep? A swarm of fireflies to spell out "Marry Her" on your next walk through the park? Do you want her to ask you? Or, am I correct, in that, you just want your glass of free milk?

Ant

To Ant, With Love, Ade

2008-10-24T22:26:00.002-04:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1478/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-young-chuck-norris

O, "Goodness!"

2008-10-23T23:27:00.006-04:00

Today, I noticed the warning label on my hair dryer read "To reduce risk of death by electric shock: 1. always 'unplug it' after use." That's right, folks, there were quotations marks aroud the phrase "unplug it." Perhaps I'm having a momentary lapse in my ability to read and understand the English language, but I always thought that quotations marks indicated that all was not as it seemed. Is there another way to say "unplug"? Has "unplug" suddenly become an unseemly word? For heaven's sake, faithful readers, is there another meaning behind the phrase??!! I'm "not sure" myself, but if you all "have" any ideas, "let me" know.

Overcoming shame and disgrace. A word.

2008-10-20T23:17:00.000-04:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/19589/saturday-night-live-baby-toupee#s-p5-st-i2

Do you ever wonder...

2008-10-20T21:59:00.002-04:00

why bad things happen to God's children? I know we're not promised perfection, but do you ever wonder why He allows some things and not others? I do and, right now, it's really been bothering me. Thoughts?

If I May Be Serious for a Moment

2008-10-16T14:57:00.005-04:00

At 26 years old, I haven’t had many defining moments.

There’s the day I gave my life to Christ. The moment I knew I was called to inner city ministry. I remember where I was when 9/11 happened. And, most recently, June 13th, 2008: The day I lost my first grandparent.

But today, October 16th, a day that, if I may be so cliché, started like any other day, I had another life defining moment.

Today, I attended a Michelle Obama rally at the Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Hall at the University of Pittsburgh in Pittsburgh, PA. I didn’t have any expectations going in; I just admire Michelle as a person and wanted to hear her speak. She began her speech by making the usual references; cultural, sports related and otherwise, that is customary when a political figure visits any city. After the crowd became thoroughly engaged, hooked in by Steelers and Panthers references, Michelle began to talk about what she sees and who she meets on the campaign trail. I was plenty entertained; yet, not prepared for what happened next.

As she was describing “life on the trail”, she remarked how she was excited about the swarms of young voters taking interest in politics and then gave a “shout out” to the “not so young voters”. But she said that what had "touched [her] most were the people, like an 80 year old African American woman [she] had met the other day, who were approaching [her] with tears streaming down their face saying that they never thought that they would see, in their lifetime..." She paused. She didn't need to finish the sentence. We all knew what she meant. A cloud of cheers, claps and “Amens” arose from the audience. Then, almost as if asked, every Black person in the Hall stood to their feet, myself included. We clapped and looked around at each other. I exchanged smiles with those standing nearest me and we all had tears streaming down our faces. As incredible as that moment felt, the next was even more impacting. The rest of the auditorium stood. Whites, Asians, Hispanics and races I couldn’t identify, all stood to their feet and joined the applause of the Black members of the audience. Some joined hands with their Black neighbors. A group of White women next to me also began to cry. We stood and cheered together.

Before this election, at 26, I honestly did not believe that I would ever see a Black President in my lifetime. Sure, I thought we were closer; yet, still a long way off. I’m originally from Pittsburgh. And, while I did not spend the whole of my childhood here, I had seen enough. Pittsburgh is the city where both sets of my grandparents grew up and endured the harshness of racism and segregation. Pittsburgh is the city where my parents grew up, still plagued by lingering prejudices and hatred. Pittsburgh is the city where, in the 4th grade, I was one of only nine Black students in my entire elementary school. Pittsburgh is the city where I was called a nigger on a regular basis by classmates and neighborhood kids; mostly venomously, but also (out of ignorance) affectionately, as if they were paying me a compliment to say that I was the “smartest nigger [they] know”.

But today, in Pittsburgh, I stood (and cried) with people of all races as we shared a hope, not for an election, but a changed America. And today, if only for a brief moment in a crowded social hall, we stood in a new city.

Enough is Enough!

2008-10-13T23:38:00.005-04:00

If I read about one more Hollywood baby mama I'm going to throw up. Apparently, they think it's not cool to eat red meat, drive cars powered by gasoline or wear fur. However, out-of-wedlock pregancies are super trendy. Yay! What's the lesson here folks: Be responsible towards the environment, but not toward innocent human lives. Double Yay!!
What has promented this tirade, you might ask? Well musician M.I.A. is engaged and pregnant. So what words of wisdom does this knocked up, single mother-to-be pass along to her younger fans? This: "I got engaged first, then I got pregnant, kids." What the...? Am I the only one dumbstruck by this "advice." I mean, big stinking deal! You're still single and pregnant, M.I.A.! Your lifestyle is neither healthy, nor admirable, nor good. In fact, it's immoral. Sure, next to all the other Hollywood idiots who have no shame and think marriage is optional, the fact that she's engaged is practically miraculous. But guess what? She's still wrong. I'm sick of this trend. No one has ever been able to improve on God's design, and they never will. So get over yourself and get married.

Happy Columbus Day!

2008-10-12T23:59:00.005-04:00

Today is a very special day for my mom. It's Columbus Day!! (She is the only person I know who actually celebrates it.) In her honor, and to honor the other two people in the United States who are also half Spanish and half Italian, I would like to share some exciting facts about these two wonderful countries:

1. It's legal to be nude throughout Spain. (Trust me. They take advantage of this law as much as they can. But for clarification's sake, I don't come from a family of perverts. We're nice, modest people, who enjoy wearing clothing in public.)

2. The beret is, in fact, not French, but Spanish! Thanks, vascos!

3. Spain may be the world's capital of really weird festivals. The running of the bulls, the tomatina, and those KKK looking guys. 'Nuf said.

4. The Italians invented the thermometer and eyeglasses. YAY!!

5. On average, an Italian consumes 25 kg of pasta a year. I don't know the metric system, but that sure sounds like a lot!

6. Italy has the world's lowest birth and fertility rates and, I believe, Spain is very low on the list themselves. You know what this means? My mom is an endangered species! Maybe she can get some sort of tax break for this.

Everyone enjoy your day off, and Happy Columbus Day, everyone!

Satan, Pass the Blankets Please

2008-10-11T20:52:00.002-04:00

If anyone plans on holiday vacationing in hell, please check the weather forecast for me. You may find that you will need to pack more than a light jacket.

What has me suspecting a subterranean freeze?

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill...has an AWESOME football team!!! That's right, friends. I said, "Football".

GO HEELS!

Happy College Football Season, Everybody!

Stalking Made Easy

2008-10-10T17:38:00.002-04:00

Now there are three ways that you can stay updated on the latest rants and ravings of Ant & Ade:

One: Check out our blog at www.antandade.blogspot.com and look on the left side of the page for “We Want Updates”. Click on the “Posts” link and subscribe, via your favorite feeder source, to receive updates.

Two: If you have a Gmail account, go to www.blogger.com and sign in using your Gmail address and password. On the Dashboard page, there should be a subheading that says “Reading List” and a tab that says “Blogs I’m following”. At the bottom of that page, there is an “Add” button. Click on the “Add” button and it will ask you to enter the URL. Our URL is: http://antandade.blogspot.com/atom.xml

Three: If you have a Gmail account, go to your iGoogle page. At the top, right side of the page, there is a tab for “Add Stuff”. Click on the tab and search for “Google Reader”. Then click “Add It Now”. Go back to your iGoogle page and inside your new Google Reader there should be a link to “Add Subscriptions” or “Manage your Subscriptions”. In the middle of the page, there is an area to enter a Username and Service. Enter the username: antandade and click on the service Blogger. Click “Add”.

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Ant and Ade

Secretary of Butt Whippins Part 3

2008-10-10T16:27:00.005-04:00

After a long vetting process, I have chosen a running mate for my candidacy of Secretary of Butt Whippins.

While several candidates proved worthy...such as, my momma...yo' momma... and Joe Jackson, I have decided to bring a very special man out of retirement.

A few nights ago, Ade and I were conversing while she cleaned out her email inbox...from two years ago! Now, the fact that I have been telling her to do this for years is besides the point. The point is that she uncovered an email that I had sent her (two years ago!), after the Super Bowl, featuring my beloved choice for VS of Butt Whippin. I howled with laughter as I was reminded of why I love this man so much. And, I'm sure that you will love him too.

Therefore, it brings me great pleasure to announce to you my choice for Vice Secretary of Butt Whippins: Terry Tate Office Linebacker!

Meet Terry Tate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD0PvlytTNs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei7RuxX8u24
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17jplpjCaec
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7e9Y7xo0no
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M76rOSmieyE

Take That, Norris!

2008-10-10T14:19:00.005-04:00

If you’ve been keeping up with the blog for a while, you’re aware that I have beef with Chuck Norris. And this is no suburban beef. This is of 50 Cent vs. The Game epic proportions. Actually, this is more of a LL Cool J vs. Canibus beef, where one of us clearly has more talent but the other has a bigger name and has been in the game for 30 years.

Regardless if you are up on your Hip Hop Beefs, the take home message is that: I don’t like Chuck Norris.

I’m sure he’s a respectable human being. He makes a good home gym infomercial. He’s BFFs with Wesley Snipes and who doesn’t think that’s hilarious. But ever since CNN gave him a whole hour of nationally-televised-political-roundhouse-kicking, I haven’t liked the guy. Again, I ask, “What makes Chuck Norris qualified for political punditry”? I wikipediaed that fool and there is nothing in there that suggests, to me, that he deserves an hour of air time. No political history other than having endorsed presidential candidates. He wasn’t even class president in high school. So he’s given $32,000 to the Republican Party and filled in as a guest host for Sean Hannity. Big Deal! Let’s face it: A trained chimp with a tape player of pre-recorded “I hate Liberals” messages could fill in for Sean Hannity (and probably with higher ratings). I have publicly endorsed people for president and even made a bid for Secretary of Butt Whippins. And if it’s $32,000 that the networks want…to that I say, I have recently requested a bailout from the government in the amount of $40,000. I will forego my pony and instead make a contribution to a network so that I can do my share of verbal combat.

And I’ve been practicing. As Ade mentioned, I have taken up Karate and this past week’s class was on…you guessed it, Roundhouse Kicking!

Who’s kickin’ now, Chuck?

Do not make us angry, or Ant will be forced to roundhouse kick you.

2008-10-09T16:07:00.003-04:00

Ok, so Ask Ant and Ade Monday will soon be upon us and not one of you has decided to write in. Well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, ladies and gentelmen. We have advice and I'm certain the rest of you need it. So send an email to ade and ant at gmail dot com. Do this and no one will get hurt. Ant has been taking karate lessons and I know she's eager to get all "Chuck Norris" on someone. I'd just hate for it to be on some of our faithful readers. Sigh...

How cute are we?

2008-10-08T23:11:00.005-04:00

Just thought our readers might like to see the two of us in some of our most recent photos. I'm on the left, Ant is on the right. Don't you just want to hug us, and kiss us and take us home?

Deliciously Yours!

2008-10-07T18:59:00.005-04:00

Ade is always accusing me of seeing racial conspiracies where they don't exist (so she says). I say her eyes are blinded to the truth.

Some of these "conspiracies" (truths) are:
1) Almay make-up line is racist
2) Target is racist
3) West Virginia uses an inordinate amount of the letter "K" in their signage. Even in words that the rest of the Union spells with a "C". (Such as Krazy Karl's Kandies...Koincidence? I think not.)

My latest conspiracy/charge is against the entire make-up industry. Have you noticed (as I have) that White make-up is named after colors? Whites have their Ivory, Beige and Tan. Makes sense, doesn't it? But, Black foundation is named after foods and drinks. "The Man" names Black foundations:

Coffee
Toffee
Almond
Mocha
Chocolate

And, for the make-up companies not clever enough to come up with a dessert moniker for ethnic, Nubian, or any other non-edible description of skin, they simply name their foundation "Dark".

Dark?!? Excuse me, Man! I've been called many things, but never dark.

If you too have noticed the culinary conspiracy of America's make-up lines, let Ade know. And, let me know any other tasty make-up names you come across.

Deliciously yours,
The Peanut Butter Princess

In my defense, I agree that Almay is a racist company. When their entire color spectrum consists of "light, light/medium, and medium" it's hard to disagree with that statement. However, I would fall on my own sword to defend the reputation of Target. One might say, Ant is kompletely krazy about these kooked-up konspiracy theories! Sheesh!

Always pleasantly palatable,

The Vanilla Latte Goddess

At Least Someone Listens...

2008-10-06T17:10:00.008-04:00

America, consider this your warning... before I bring out my belt!

Now, the lovely and awesome Ade told you that we are starting a special addition to our incredible blog: Ask Ant and Ade. She politely asked you to send in your questions so that we may publicly critique your life and give you the sound advice you need (whether you know it or not). Despite what you may think, this "request" was not optional. Email us today!

However, we did get one response to our request. (Thank you, Anonymous!) So, here it is! Your first installment of Ask Ant and Ade:

Anonymous writes: Ant & Ade, I really need your help. Here's the problem: I'm crazy about my roommate... let's call him Bob. Like, way crazy about him. I just found out this weekend that my other roommate, let's call her Alice, is also crazy about Bob. Alice doesn't know that I know that she's crazy about Bob, and as far as I know, Bob doesn't know anything about either of us being crazy about him. It's crazy. If Bob weren't absolutely the world's most perfect man AND my soulmate, I would just let Alice do her thing. But Bob is my future husband, darnit, and I'm not ready to roll over and let Alice have him 'til death do they part. To top off this crummy love triangle, we've got [several] months left on the lease... thus a whole lot of potential for discomfort and drama. What should I do? Should I ask Bob if he's interested in Alice? Should I lay my cards on the table and risk rejection? Should I move to Mexico and become a nun? HELP!

Dear Anonymous,
First of all, thank you for writing in to Ask Ant and Ade (at least someone listens). Secondly, why limit your options to Mexico? There are lots of cool places you could move to avoid drama: Burkina Faso, Azerbaijan...the North Pole (although, I hear that Santa's got some issues). If moving is not a viable option, then I suggest the Ant approach. The Ant approach is always swift and direct, like a well placed roundhouse kick. I would first pray and ask God, "Is this truly the man for me?" or just a wonderful model of a Godly man that reminds us Christian lonely-hearts that there are still awesome Men of God out there. If this is just an example, don't playa-hate, appreciate! And let him know what a shining example of the Lord he is...and ask if he has any friends. If you think he is truly soulmate worthy, I would tell Alice. I don't know if the two of you could draw straws or leg wrestle over who gets Bob, but I think directness and honesty are the way to go. This method may not be drama free, but it is diet drama. Lastly, I am making the assumption that Bob is an independent, free thinking, competent individual. Regardless of what deal you and Alice work out, Bob will ultimately determine who he likes. But you can't make choices without options, so this last step would require that you tell Bob how you feel about him. Putting your cards on the table sucks but you never know if you have a winning hand without it.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry my answer is a bit belated, but I was still reeling from the fact that although you are not married to Bob you still live with him. No doubt you walk around the apartment in your pjs, sans makeup, flossing your teeth while simultaneously cutting your toenails and still expect for Bob to play footsie with you at the breakfast table. You've got to save something for the honeymoon, sweetie, and it sounds like you haven't even gotten so much as a friendly side hug from the man! Please, for your own good, move out now. At the end of the day Bob isn't going to be feeling either you or Alice. There is no mystery left. Besides, even if you and Bob did hit it off, how is a Christian gal like you going to keep it holy until you get married? If you want to get serious about Bob then it's time you get out. Actually, I don't think you should be living with Bob regardless. Of course, that goes into a whole long rant I have about the sanctity of marriage and this post is too long already. So here's what you need to take away from this whole thing: 1. Take a risk and tell the man you like him and 2. Get on Craigslist and get out or, at the very least, keep cute and keep clean. Good luck!

Where's the Christian Right When You Need Them?

2008-10-06T17:00:00.004-04:00

The other night, I was enjoying my nightly dose of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and the "Colbert Report" when I saw advertisements for the new season of "South Park".

South Park?!?!

Why do we still have new episodes of South Park? Who is still watching this show? How many seasons of the Christmas Poo and "chocolate salty balls" do we need? And, for goodness' sake, someone get Kenny a summer outfit already!

America, you mean to tell me that Janet Jackson is banned for life from the Super Bowl for one peek-a-boo snafu but the FCC hasn't taken South Park off the air. Where is the Christian Right when you need them?

My List of Demands

2008-10-06T16:44:00.005-04:00

Since the government is feeling particularly friendly with their money (and by "their" I mean "my") these days, I have a few requests of my own:

Dear Uncle Sam,

My name is Ant and I am writing to you because I am near dead broke and I am in desperate need of a bailout (or "rescue plan"). I have been a taxpayer for over 10 years and, to date, I have only received a $400 rebate check (after you took out your cut, of course). Now, if we are going to bailout the "free" market, I think it is only fair that I receive some money as well. Here are my reasons:

1) I have never irresponsibly squandered people's pensions and investments
2) I have never greedily tricked people into or out of their homes
3) I have never been responsible for the collapse of an entire nation's economy
4) I am asking for a hell of lot less than 3/4 of a trillion dollars

I am asking for a check (or bill, however you need to do this) in the amount of $40,000 so that I may pay off my student loans, car note and any outstanding debts...and perhaps a pony. Like the Wall Street bailout, I need this money without forethought of the future, without careful consideration of alternatives...and by Monday before my bank opens.

Thank you for your attention and immediate response to this request. May God bless you and may God bless America!

Sincerely broke,
Ant

P.S. Ade would like a piece of this action too. So if I too could have $40,000 and a tin of multi-flavored popcorn at Christmas I would very much appreciate it. Thank you and God bless.

Here lies Mildred. Beloved baby mama and long time live-in girlfriend. RIP.

2008-10-01T17:30:00.011-04:00

The other night Ant and I were having a fabulous time revising answers to advice columns. (Hence, we came up with the idea for our own. We could definitely do better than pretty much...well, everyone.) Interestingly, it seems that most people in the world, or at least those who write to advice columns, are shacking up with a significant other and having problems with this person. Of course, mostly this centers around live-in girlfriends who, of course, can't get their boyfriends to marry them. One woman we read about, who after living with her boyfriend for 5 years, wanted to know if she should breakup with him because she just couldn't see herself marrying someone who wasn't as well educated as she was. Umm....how do I say this....yes, she should leave, but not for the reason she thinks. If a man has lived with someone for 5 years and hasn't even mentioned the idea of marriage, he has clearly stated that he doesn't see himself spending "forever" with this gal. I mean, she actually thinks she's calling the shots here. NEWS FLASH. 5 years+No ring +No marriage talk=He's already done with you.

I mean, really, has anyone ever seen a headstone that read "Here lies Susie. Beloved baby mama and long-time live-in-girlfriend.?" No. No one has seen this. Do you know why? Because if you're just someone's live-in-girlfriend and baby mama you were never really loved. Now, discuss.

New, fun blog post: Ask Ant and Ade

2008-09-30T08:06:00.009-04:00

Have you ever yearned for clear, insightful, pointed advice that slices straight to the heart of the matter and clearly illuminates the answer to your problem? Have you ever wondered "What would that witty duo from the world's most wonderful blog say if they were here right now?" You have, huh?! Well, you're in luck because Ant and myself will be fielding questions from our faithful readers in a segment we simply like to call "Ask Ant and Ade." All types of questions are welcome. Topics such as pet custody, live-in-boyfriends (or girlfriends), and husband hunting are all acceptable. Nothing is off limits. But here's the catch. If you think that you won't write in and, thus, put and end to "Ask Ant and Ade" before it even begins, you're wrong. We've already decided to write to each other. So you'll be getting our advice one way or the other. Please, drop us a note and let us answer questions that may be relevant to you. (We promise not to publish any names.) So, good luck, think hard, and prepare for "Ask Ant and Ade."

Back in the Saddle

2008-09-29T17:13:00.008-04:00

A couple of posts ago I told you (you meaning America) to prepare for a verbal butt whooping. Well, with the way things are these days I don't think you need me to verbally chastise you...for now. Thus, I'm reverting back to our former topic of conversation (however unpalatable that may seem to some of our readers): finding a husband. Now that I'm back in my tierra natal and my life has stablized (albeit only slightly), I'm officially putting myself on the market for a husband. That's right, I'm seriously looking and you, faithful readers, can help me and, of course, my girl Ant. If you look at the bottom of our page you'll find what Ant is looking for in a hubby-to-be. Now here are my qualifications:

1. Jesus loving. Don't even bother if he just likes Jesus, or thinks of him as a football watching buddy. I'm not having it.

2. Emotionally available. Please, if he got a divorce two weeks ago you are not helping him "forget" by setting him up with someone else. Let him heal.

3. White. This includes white hispanics. That's just how I like 'em.

4. Ambitious. I love a man who works hard and wants to do big things, but not at the expense of his integrity or his relationships.

5. Funny. Basically someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. I definitely need someone to help me lighten up once in a while.

6. Self-controlled. He needs to be able to keep him emotions in check. 'Nuf said.

7. Responsible. Responsible for me, for his family, for his actions.

8. Wants children. (Three child minimum.)

9. Will let me have a dog. He doesn't have to like them, he just has to agree to let me have one.

10. Thinks I'm the cutest thing ever! Okay, this may be kind of selfish, but I think most girls like it when they get to be the "beauty" and not the "beast" in the relationship.

11. Thinks I'm the best thing ever! This is non-negotiable.

So have you spotted this man? Have you seen Ant's man somewhere, too? Then drop us a line and some contact info. We need all the help we can get.

I wish I was this lucky.

2008-09-19T11:20:00.002-04:00

I'm sure, faithful readers, that you are aware of the fact that our government has decided to provide a way to bail out all of failing financial instutions (courtsey of our money. You're welcome, AIG. I'm looking forward to an extra large tin of multi-flavored popcorn at Christmas.) Looking at all of this I can't help but think "What if I had made a continous string of bad financial decisions that left me neck deep in debt? Who would help me?" Well, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be wacky ole' Uncle Sam. You see, I'm a normal person. This means I don't get any special favors from...pretty much anyone. If I make a string of bad financial decisions, the IRS doesn't really care. They still want me to pay up, and no one comes running to my rescue. Instead, I have to solve my problems on my own and suffer the consequences of my actions. However, if I just had a few more billions dollars in my bank account people would help me out. No one would say "Just how did you manage to fritter away 100 billion dollars, again?" Instead, they would say "You're poor and indigent. Here's some more money for you to poorly steward."
I know you all are saying "But this may save our economy!" I get that, but what I resent is this enabling attitude on the part of our government, or at the very least, that they refuse to enable me.

When the cat's away the mice will play.

2008-09-17T12:52:00.004-04:00

Omigosh!!! What have you people been doing in my absence? I leave the country for a little bit and you all think you can do whatever you want because my strong, swift gavel of judgement and sense has taken a brief holiday. Lehman Brothers? AIG? Multiple hurricanes in the gulf? Biden the plagarist and Palin the who? Pigs and lipstick? Is any of this ringing a bell, America? Shame! Shame! Shame! More Shame! Heaps of Shame! You all should be eating and breathing shame!
Ant really did her best to help you. Big kudos to her. However, America clearly needs a two parent family. Well, I'm back and I'm not afraid to bring out the belt. So stand back and bend over, America. I'm home and it's time to answer for what you've done.

"When This Is All Over, I'm Going To Deliver One Well Placed Kick To Your Groin That Will Stop You From Ever Having Children."

2008-09-13T12:00:00.006-04:00

That's my favorite line from one of my favorite movie comedies, "Heavyweights".

So, that's why I was surprised when I saw a Ben-Stiller-like "one liner" used in a national newscast.

CNN: Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks the Democrats

Really, Chuck? CNN had dedicated a whole hour program to the conservative ravings of Home-Gym-Hasbeen Chuck Norris. I suppose he gave the Dems some verbal karate but do we care? Is Chuck Norris more politically savvy than the rest of us (and by "rest of us" I mean me) that he deserves a whole hour of national air time. It's not that I think celebrities shouldn't voice their political opinions but they only get one vote like every other citizen. Honestly, I'm not bitter that Chuck got his own special or that Diddy's video criticizing Palin has gone completely viral. No, I'm upset because no one has asked for my opinion. They pretend they have. (And by "they" I mean pollsters).

Everyday, I hear or read statistics claiming to know the thoughts and leanings of America's various demographics but I have yet to get a phone call from anyone asking what I think...which way I lean...if I would like to roundhouse kick anybody.

Pollsters say:
69% of women say they will vote for McCain to get Palin in office
79% of young, black voters think Obama is sexy
89% of voters think McCain will cryogenically freeze his body to run again in 2012 if he loses to Obama.
99% of Americans think it would be ridiculous to refer to Todd Palin as the "Vice Dude".

True or not, the problem with these polls is that no one asked me. Have any of you been a part of a Gallup poll? Do you know anyone who has? I'm curious to know exactly how much "polling" is actually going on. Is the extent of the pollster's research asking for a "show of hands" around his dinner table? If anyone knows one of these elusive pollsters, have them give me a call. I've already compiled my list of people that I think deserve a well-placed roundhouse kick.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

2008-09-05T15:03:00.003-04:00

Not to be outdone by their Cosmopolitan drinking counterparts, the Republican National Convention—Jim Bean in hand—provided America with another reason to drink.

Impartial to the politics, everyone will have to agree that the RNC was a snooze-fest compared to the Democratic Music Awards…I mean, National Convention. Even the media cameras (although, the RNC would say they were biased) had trouble finding audience members who were swept up in the party’s party. Instead, we got more camera shots of veterans yawning—up way past their bedtime; Cowboys fixing the brim of their hats, ladies straightening their broaches and people double checking the spelling on their “Die! Barack, Die!” posters. (“Barack”? ‘C’ or no ‘C’?)

For the RNC, their party was light on dancing (at least, I think that’s what they were attempting. The best I can describe it is “a desperate cry for an EpiPen”) and heavy on drink-worthy rhetoric.

So, America, put your glasses up and get ready to drink yourself silly…courtesy of the RNC.

While you’re watching pundit recaps or TiVo, take a shot every time a Republican says the following phrases: “American Hero”, “Champion Snowmobiler”, “Maverick”, “Reformer” and “Hockey Mom”.
Have a Jello shooter every time someone mentions shooting a moose. (What is it with these Republican VPs wanting to shoot stuff? I’m all for the 2nd Amendment but nobody’s face or large game animals are safe around these people.)
Take a double shot every time a Repub equates being tortured with preparation for the presidency.

And, if you’re feeling particularly insidious (or you just want to get totally trashed), take a body shot off your couch buddy every time someone at the RNC laughs at the phrase “community organizer”.

Forget mere “tipsy”, the RNC wants to make sure you get wasted, torn down, tor’ up, crunk, inebriated, intoxicated, crapulent (real word, people), bombed, plastered, smashed, sloshed, sponged, tanked up and down right drunk.

Secretary of Butt Whippins

2008-09-01T01:42:00.010-04:00

Ant's POV: My fellow New Yorkians and Americans! As you may have read, Ade is running for president. It seems only natural that I would be vice president; however, I would like to save that office for someone with a wealth of experience and expertise...like Sarah Palin. Now, I can already hear your cries of protest: "Ant, you and Sarah Palin are equally qualified for the office. Why not be our VP?" It's true, public; but, stop your crying (before I give you something to cry about).
Sarah Palin and I are equally qualified for the office of vice president.

Sarah Palin: Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, a town of about 6,800 people.
Ant: President of my school's FCCLA and Beta Club in Middleburg, FL, a town of about 11,000 people.

Sarah: Leader of the team prayer for her high school basketball team.
Ant: Gave benediction prayer at my high school graduation.

Sarah: Finished 2nd in the Miss Alaska pageant.
Ant: Finished 2nd in two state-wide oratorical contests.

Sarah: Won the award for Miss Congeniality.
Ant: I've seen that movie like 100 times.

Sarah: Earned the nickname "Sarah Barracuda" for her aggressive basketball play.
Ant: Earned the nickname "Superman" for placing 16th in the National Junior Olympics in Discus. (And, earned the nickname "Peanut Butter Princess" for being a smoking hot Nubian goddess).

Sarah: Named her children Track, Trig, Piper, Willow and Bristol
Ant: Named my collection of stuffed monkeys "Dubya", ErinEric and NovaCain Brown

Sarah: Has bachelor's in Communications (Journalism focus) with a minor in Political Science.
Ant: Has bachelor's in Communications (Performance Studies focus) and double majored in Psychology.

Sarah: President of her local PTA.
Ant: Was a member of the local PTA and served a short stint as a Cub Scout Den Leader.

Sarah: Worked towards ethics reform as mayor and governor.
Ant: Working towards prison reform as a social worker.

Sarah: In favor of capital punishment.
Ant: In favor of corporal punishment.

Sarah: Son is headed to Iraq for his first tour of duty.
Ant: Father served two tours in Iraq.

Sarah: Her husband is a champion snowmobiler.
Ant: I sneezed last Tuesday.

We're practically the same person! (And we both have the crucial skills needed to be second in charge of running an entire country).

I know after reading this that you are convinced that I am just as qualified as Sarah Palin to be the vice president when Ade takes office. However, dear readers, my heart is set on another position: The Secretary of Butt Whippins. It's kind of like the Secretary of Defense. Consider it "a preemptive strike".

Ade POV: In defense of Sarah Palin she is actually the governor of a state. However, we also know that Ant placed at some state track meets. That said, I think Ant would make a better Secretary of Butt Whuppins than VP. So while I haven't chosen a running mate just yet, Ant is my nominee for SBW. So just remember: A vote for me is also a vote for a swift kick in pants (courtesy of best friend, of course).

Ade for President. Part Deux

2008-08-31T03:40:00.007-04:00

I almost forgot to tell my beloved readers the best part of my accuser's diatribe! (See post below.) He said we could effectively eliminate the War on Terror if we just market Barack Obama to the terrorists as Barack Hussein Obama! Brilliant? Absolutely! Why don't we apply this to the Shiites and Sunnis too? After all, maybe if we could get them to sit around in a circle, hold hands, and talk about how much they have in common we could put an end to their silly religous wars. Just imagine.
Sunni: "What you're Arab too?"
Shiite: "Omigosh, yes! And you live in the Middle East near me?"
Sunni: "Yes! We have practically everything in common! This is the best day ever! I love you so SUPER MUCH!"

Hug. Tear. End Scene.

Brilliant. Truly genius. When I'm president, this guy is definitely going to be my foreign policy advisor.

Ade for President.

2008-08-31T03:15:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I was personally blamed for all of the world's problems. I was then told that I needed to go home, and stay home, to focus on fixing them and, while I'm at it, I might as well fix all of America's domestic problems as well. According to my accuser all of these various problems were compromising his standard of living. Oops! I'll get right on that! Actually, this conversation was more of a relief than anything. I was beginning to wonder "Do other people not know how awesomely powerful and important I am?" (Usually, if I meet someone and they haven't prostrated themselves before me in the first five minutes, I'll slap them around and say "Don't you know who you're talking to? Start groveling!"). So you can imagine what a self-esteem boost it was for someone else (without any prompting, I might add) to notice this as well.
Actually, his whole diatribe was more than a little appalling and offensive. According to him September 11th was no big deal and was probably orchestrated by the government. Also, his standard of living has been terribly compromised. I'm still trying to figure this one out. He gave up a super lucrative job in a large city to sell insurance in a town of 500 people. So he chose to work for less money and somehow that's my problem. (Seriously, how hard do you have to work before everyone in a town of 500 people has insurance?) He actually said he thought of moving to China because you could live like a king there for pretty much nothing. As you can see, enjoying the world is his top priority, while saving it, apparently, falls to me.
I do, however, plan to get him to write me a letter of recommendation. He clearly notices and appreciates my incredible talents. Perhaps if I publicize his resounding endorsement of my capable hands I can snatch this election out of the clutches of both the Republicans and the Democrats and give this country what it really needs: Me!

Who loves Ant's posts? I do! I do!

2008-08-29T12:01:00.005-04:00

I would like to state, for the record, that I believe Ant is an amazing writer. Some of you who read these posts only through Facebook have mistakenly gotten the idea that I write them all. Hear ye! Hear ye! This is not the case! My best friend, Ant, is responsible for more than half of the posts, and I want to give credit where credit is due.
Ant is incredibly talented, and I don't want to deny her the recognition she deserves for her all her wit, cleverness and downright crazy fantastic writing skills. It thrills me that this blog allows the rest of the world to know what I've known about her for years: She's awesome!

DNC Gives Us More Than Soundbites

2008-08-29T09:08:00.004-04:00

This is, by no means, a political blog. But we can't ignore that the great American heroics and incredible athleticism of Super Phelps has been overshadowed by the Democratic National Convention.

This year's DNC brought us inspiring speeches, touching moments and a dance-apalooza. (What are those Dems doing? Hosting a convention or an episode of Soul Train? Next thing you know, T-Pain and Lil Wayne will perform during an intermission.) More importantly, the DNC has brought us a new drinking game.

Take a shot every time Hillary Clinton has to "grin and bear it" or fake clap because she's caught on camera. It's only 10 minutes into the show before you're slurrin' your way through the Earth, Wind & Fire track they're playing in between speeches by an Iraq veteran and the Chief Secretary of Corn. Even though the convention has concluded, you can still get pretty trashed off network highlights.

Before this election, I didn't think about Hillary...well, ever; but I quickly grew to dislike her. For the first half of her campaign, her slogan could have been: "I'm a Clinton, damn it!" When her husband's name didn't pull down the votes like she had hoped, she decided that any American city where she had had a meal was now her hometown. More slogans followed:
*I remember shootin' guns and drinkin' whiskey with my pawpaw in Scranton when I was 7 years old.
*Home Sweet Arkansas
*Hey! I'm from Chicago too! North side represent!
*My fellow New Yorkians! What? You mean they're not called "New Yorkians"? You think I would have picked up on that in the three months I lived there.

Alas, running as the neighbor you never knew you had didn't win her the nomination either. Now Hillary is forced to use her tears, which so freely flowed when she declared herself at home in New Hampshire, to lubricate the proverbial foot in her mouth for extrication.

Slice of humble pie? I'll drink to that! Who knew watching someone "eat crow" could provide such appetizing post-dinner entertainment?

Yuck.

2008-08-24T13:26:00.003-04:00

Last night I woke up and walked downstairs to go to the bathroom. As I turned around to shut the bathroom door I noticed two spiders on the wall. Each of them were the size of my outstretched hand. Needless to say, I did what any sane person would do. I used the bathroom then plotted their murder. Their murder was particularly important as I just killed an identical spider of the same size (that was living next to my bed!) the night before. Maybe these two knuckleheads heard about their friend's untimely demise and came to seek revenge. Whatever their reason for being there I don't think they planned on meeting my friend "Mr. Shoe." After a brief introduction between the parties I was able to sleep soundly.
Why do I tell you this? Never in all my years have I encountered spiders so foul. Even my three summers spent in Miami, the epicenter of disgusting oversized insects, did not prepare me for the size of these spiders. According to the French if you see a spider in the evening it's a sign of hope. Well "yay" for me, I guess. I have more hope than I ever hoped for, and a new found fear of the dark.

Private: For Ant only

2008-08-23T14:24:00.001-04:00

Ant, i have to go to dinner. i miss you. i can't believe we haven't talked in weeks. I love you

Don't hate me. I don't hate you.

2008-08-23T13:43:00.010-04:00

Ade's Point of View: Apparently there has been some concern that there is way too much "marriage talk" on the blog. I guess people don't think we have other interests. I would like to point out that the "marriage talk", while, to some may seem excessive, is highly pertinent. My girl, Ant, has a goal to get married by next November. That's not a lot of time, folks, to gather all your thoughts on marriage and find a man to wed. Hence, the "talk" has been fast and furious.
However, just to allay any concerns that once she and I quit work for the day we sit around and obsess about weddings and marriage, I would like to introduce a new topic to the mix: China. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but they are kicking butt and taking names at the Olympics. I think everyone expected this to be the case, but seriously, they've practically made the Olympics a snooze with all their gold medals. There's hardly any suspense. This is indeed a metaphor for the future of China, and that's exactly why they chose to host the Olympics. China is ready to be taken seriously as the world's next superpower, and this is just a small taste of the future.
On that note, I would like to point out that there is one sport where the Chinese have yet to dominate. Running. Specifically, they kind of stink at the track & field events. However, I think China has a very calculated plan to ensure that by 2028 they are ready to blow away the competition. Here's how I suspect this is going to work: 1. Send people to Africa to set up shop and create communities. (This is already happening, btw. Just google it!) 2. Adopt African children. (I know Ant is probably going to kill me for saying this, but seriously, no one sees the Greek guys or the Ukrainian gals medalling in the 100 meter dash. It's always a Kenyan guy who wins the Boston marathon every year, right? There's got to be something to that.) 3. Train these children to be awesome athletes. 4. Sweep the track & fields events in 20 years!
So this is my theory. Don't kill me. Don't send me hate mail. I'll probably get one from Ant anyways, and be forced to print a retraction. Lighten up, though. At least this post wasn't about marriage, right?

Ant's Point of View: It will come as no surprise to the frequent reader that I concur with Ade.

One: Whoever thinks "all" we write about is marriage is clearly skipping over the posts about Twerkin' and West Virginia. (Although, there are no confirmed reports of Twerkin' in West Virginia). Misguided Readers: If you're keeping a literal count, there are twice as many posts not about marriage as there are about marriage. But if things like facts don't sway you, please check out our posts about beatings, Burkina Faso, Giant Fake King People, Pizza Hut and tumors. I'm sure you'll enjoy...since you seem to find the discussion of the eternal joining of two souls unpalatable.

Two: I do agree with Ade's China theory, right down to the stereotypical assumption that black people run fast. Although, she skipped a crucial step in the process: 3b. Falsify documentation (with full backing of the national government) that attests that your hairless, boobless, voice-cracking, 60lbs athletes are just a day over 16 years old.

It's 2am and the Phone Is Ringing...

2008-08-23T13:14:00.005-04:00

It seems as though Hillary Clinton isn't the only one waiting for 2am phone calls.

I don't know why, but I signed up to "be the first (1 million people) to know" who Barack Obama had chosen as his running mate. At first, the announcement was supposed to come, via text message, on Friday. Later, it was reported that the groundbreaking text message would appear in hundreds of thousands of inboxes on "Saturday morning".

They sure were literal about that "Saturday morning" thing. Three hours into the morning, to be exact. In fact, when I woke up at 7am, I just so happened to look at my phone (and receive the text message) before turning on the TV to see the media pundits already scrutinizing the choice on every station. So much for being the first to know. CNN already had the play-by-play on Biden since crawling out his mother's uterus and John McCain had two political ads running in swing states by breakfast.

There were three things wrong with this "historic" moment. One, what did I expect in being text messaged the news three seconds before it was "official" on every news station. When I looked at my enV screen and saw the words "Joe Biden", what was I supposed to do? Jump up and down? Squeal in delight? High-five my non-existent bedmate? I said, "hmm". It was all rather anti-climactic. Two: Deep down I knew that it would be a computer generated text message from an anonymous number but, I must admit, I had a certain kid-on-Christmas excitement about being text messaged by the man who could be the next president of the United States; as if Barack wanted to tell me personally, "Hey cuz, I'm goin' with Joe." (Actually, Barack and I are distantly related but that's a story for another post). Once I saw the text (and the subsequent "first to know" mass email), reality set in. It was about as personal as Christian emails imploring me to forward the pictures of cartoon baby angels and falsified heroic acts of evangelism to 40 of my closest friends, if I really love Jesus, and want to have my three wishes granted by noon. (Does anyone else see the problem with equating "good luck" with Jesus?) Thirdly, this "historic" text message was an appeal to the swarms of young voters flocking to Obama. But, when I received it, my first thought was, "Who was up at 3am?". Then I realized, the historic text message was an appeal to the swarms of young voters flocking to Obama. In my earlier twenties, I probably would have been up and around others to commemorate this crucial piece of history. Even a year or two ago, at any given 3am, I would have received the text message bar-side, using my feminine wiles to secure virgin daiquiris. Everyone pausing to answer the call. I'm sure some sort of celebration would have ensued. The Dj might play a special song (A remix of "Hail to the Chief", with T-Pain singing the hook and Lil Wayne making a cameo). That one brotha (my fellow clubbers know what I'm talkin' about) would shout above the music to his boys, "Ay yo! Dat n***a chose Biden! Dat's whassup! Dat pilgrim can get wit McCain!" The guy next to me would flash his grill and say, "Yo ma! 'Bama picked Biden. You wanna celebrate at yo' place or mine?"

Alas, according to the census, at 26 I'm one year removed from the "young adult" category (18-25). So, instead of high-fiving fellow club goers, I was sound asleep when the news came and awoke grumpy that someone would text message me at 3am.

We're both conceited...We gotta reason

2008-08-23T09:41:00.004-04:00

I have to agree with Ant. I can't understand why Christians, or people in general, seem to withhold common sense from the process of finding a mate. Why wouldn't you position yourself to find a mate? Why do the "rules of the road" seem to apply to every other concept in life, but finding someone to spend the rest of your life with? If I spend my life expecting everything to come to me, most people would say I was delusional. If I position myself to meet the right kind of men, with the purpose of finding a husband, everyone starts quoting Scriptures about contentment and how it's really better to be single. Hold up! I think this is one area of life people are so afraid to fail in that they think it's better to act like they have no control over the process. After all, if you can't control it then you can't possibly fail. The stars just didn't align properly. Aww shucks! Maybe you, or I, won't ever get married. Maybe it will never be. Then again, maybe I'll never have my dream job or live in my dream house. Yet you and I won't know, we can't know, unless we try.

I'm Conceited...I Got a Reason

2008-08-22T13:34:00.008-04:00

(Play my walk-out song: Conceited by Remy Ma)

"See, this ain't nuthin' that you used to. Out of the ordinary. Unusual.

You gotta have the mind state, like I'm so great.

Can't nobody do it like you do.

Miraculous. Phenomenal. And ain't nobody in here stoppin' you.

Show no love, cause you what's up...

Ok. I got a little fat. But, my shawty told me that he like it like that.

I'm happy. Another me there never can be.

See, I'm so outstandin'. Don't care if they can't stand me.

I'm sittin' on top of the world like Brandy."

"I look too good for this necklace. And I look too good to be wearin' this.

You know I look way too good to be innocent.

I'm conceited. I got a reason."

I was having a conversation with a co-worker who suggested that I "well, not lower [my] standards but not be so picky or have so many things on [my] list if [I] want to get married". Truth is, people, I don't have a problem getting married. I could be engaged within the hour if I made a few phone calls. But I am blowin' my mind right now and someone would have to come along and top that.

One blog reader commented on our post "A Hunting We Will Go" that marriage is about "a gift from God" not "a running total of how many yeses they get on a marriage questionnaire". I can respect that opinion but I disagree. (Big surprise!) I don't think what I'm asking for is unreasonable. I didn't say I wanted a UNC graduate with a six figure salary, silver BMW, hailing from Portsmouth, VA with a summer home in the Hamptons and a tiny mole in the left corner of his chin. I asked for things like selflessness, discipline, responsibility, Christian principles and a shared passion for family ministry. They are not the most impossible qualities to possess. Nor, is it incredibly specific.

The blog reader also said that her and her husband are "not the Bradys but [she] feels like a pretty lucky girl most of the time". That's awesome! (Always good to hear about successful marriages). But, I do want to be the Bradys. A traditional American family with solid values, stay-at-home mom, 6 kids and someone else to do the dishes. That's what's up!

Also, blog reader's point about love being a "gift from God" not something you can make happen, is a point that others have made to me. Again, I respectfully disagree. If I told you I wanted a new car, you'd ask me what my price range was, what make and model, any particular accessories? In other words, create a list. If I said I was looking for a job, you'd ask where I was looking, where I applied and where I had interviewed? What if I replied, "Oh nowhere. I've just been sittin' in my basement "prayer closet". Gainful employment is a gift from God." (Yeah. A gift He wants you to apply and interview for.)

Look, people. I'm not standing on corners prostituting my left ring finger. I'm lookin' around, applyin' myself and puttin' myself in a position to interview men worthy of me. I'm not just looking for a "good catch"; I am a good catch. My "pickiness" may seem conceited but I got a reason.

We Are the Champions of the World...and By "World" I Mean Domestic

2008-08-21T21:15:00.008-04:00

I was listening to the Steve Harvey show and he did a segment on "The 10 Events the IOC Should Add to the Summer Games So That America Could Lead the World in Gold Medals." Good idea, Steve! Well, I would like to add five more events for the IOC to consider.

5) More swimming events: America, I propose we just sit back and let Michael Phelps do the work. To date: Michael Phelps, 8 medals, all gold; Denmark, 6 medals; Lithuania, 5 medals; Zimbabwe, 4 medals; Croatia, 3 medals; Kyrgyzstan, 2 medals; Afghanistan, 1 medal (Take that, War on Terrorism!) Burkina Faso, a big fat 0. In fact, Michael Phelps alone has more medals than 181 countries competing in the Olympic games. However, IOC, don't add more "pretty" aquatic events like synchronized high dive (We just don't have enough 11 year old girls to compete with China). IOC, add events that involve anything MP can do (like there's something he can't do) and anything Jason Lezak can swim anchor in.

4) Creating different restaurants that serve relatively the same thing: Do we really need Chili's and Applebee's...and Ruby Tuesday...and TGIFridays, O'Charley's, Oh Brian's!, Outback, Tony Roma's, Damon's, Longhorn, Lone Star, Bob Evans, Big Boy, Houlihan's, Hard Rock Cafe and Red Robin ? How many nostalgically decorated, family-style-bar-and-grilles, serving the exact same menu, do we need? We are the land of excess and we can win excessive medals in this event. Which brings me to my next event idea...

3) Gaining weight: We can pack on the pounds like no other! I do my fair share to contribute to the team. This competition would be a "no contest" for the US as we already lead the world in obesity. The other nations would have as much chance as a fried drumstick in Run's House. Automatic sweep!

2) American Football: Golden! It's already named after us, for goodness sake. And, we call the Superbowl winners the "World Champions". (And by "World" we mean "domestic". Even in hockey we play teams in Canada. We can't even, technically, call our Superbowl winners the North American Champs.) Shhh! It'll be our little secret and our next Olympic gold medal.

1) Butt Whippin': This one is my favorite event. We'll have to negotiate the details. (Should the host country be responsible for providing the children or would each country bring their own?) America, as the reigning World (and by "World" I mean "local") Butt Whippin' Champion, I'd be more than happy to lend my services and bring home the gold. And, given my childhood, my mom is a shoe-in for the silver. Anyone have a mom that could take the bronze?

Panic at the Disco!...or the Altar

2008-08-21T18:09:00.002-04:00

In my marital research, I've come across a book entitled "The Panic Years" which is a self-help and how-to guide for "surviving life on the wrong side of 25 without a ring". The author even provides a quiz to help determine how panicked you are about being single. As usual...I don't agree. I understand that some singles live lives of quiet desperation but am I the only one who loves being single and not being invited to weddings? But I found the quiz interesting nonetheless. Take it!

(Note: I have shortened some of the questions and answers so that this post does not require a NoDoz to finish it. Also, the author only gives choices a, b and c. I will provide an option d. It's the Annie choice.)

How Panicked Are You?
1) Your friend calls you to go out to a party tonight. Your new policy is to emerge from home only if:
a You get assurance there will be plenty of desserts.
b You get assurance that the men outnumber the women by a ratio of four to one.
c They can find someone at this hour with a crane and serious tubs of butter to squeeze your lazy, reluctant body through the door--then you'll think about it.
d You relish any opportunity to show off your new peep-toe slingbacks and twerk to the latest song featuring T-Pain and Lil Wayne. (As if there's a song that doesn't feature T-Pain and Lil Wayne)

2) You: Panic Years is as
a Tolstoy: brevity
b Morning talk shows: unforced banter
c You: Panic years
d Your dates: One-arm men (Ok. So maybe that one is just me.)

3) You've just gotten your college alumni magazine in the mail and [it seems as though people] are getting married just to piss you off. You:
a Cancel your subscription to that smut
b Submit your own [fake] wedding announcement. And while you're at it, why not add that you're now a doctor of neurosurgery?
c Crash the wedding of your "Little Sister" and announce the fake one-night stand you had with the groom in your undergrad days.
d Have no idea what the magazine says. You never open anything from your Alma Matter, assuming it's an attempt to collect payment on your no-longer-deferred student loans or an appeal to raise funds for new hot tubs for the men's basketball team locker room. In either case, you've applied your bank-breaking degree to a career in Social Work and you don't have the money.

4) How old were you the last time you said, "It's so much fun to go to weddings!"?
a Twenty-three
b My friends stopped inviting me to weddings
c When the [heck] would I have ever said that?
d Before you had to start taking out payday advance loans to be in them

5) What was the last bad lie you told?
a "I really love being single and having time for me right now."
b "I'm so happy for my best friend, who got engaged, that I don't even feel any jealousy!"
c "Did you hear about the newlyweds who died in that tragic skydiving accident? Real shame..."
d "Aww! Look at your baby. He is so cute!" (Hey, I wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't asked.)